Internal Child
Many of us have heard and have some idea of what the term “Internal Child” means, but fewer are aware of how active that Child in us is! And daily – many times a day! Trying to give us the very best, that much younger part of ourselves keeps stepping inn and overtaking conversations, decisions and solutions, often leaving us in that uncomfortable, yet very familiar emotional state. How Come Again?
In Transactional Analysis (TA) personality model, Child is one of the tree distinct ego states. The other two are Parent and of course Adult – us when we respond to reality as it is in that moment, using all the resources that we have and being the age that we are. As opposed to Parent (let’s leave this ego state to some other time) and Child. When we are in Child, we’ve connected with, and respond from, a much younger part of ourselves, confusing the reality with an archaic situation from our own past. Very often, a situation where we did not feel safe, loved, empowered or smart…Next time when you’re left with difficult emotions after an intense or, for that matter, just a “normal” conversation, check with yourself what age you feel you are. And if, surprisingly, you do not feel your real age, chances are that you’re back “there”, re-living a situation from your past, most probably focusing on protecting yourself as good as you can…this happens also to those of us who come from most caring and loving families, because no parent is perfect.
In my counselling practice, I’ve learned to quickly recognise that younger, more vulnerable part – the Internal Child – in my clients. It’s always a door-opener. When it comes to myself, I seem to be a much slower learner – but I’m getting there! Sometimes this awareness of meeting my younger, much less protected part, hits like a lightning from a clear sky. Like it happened to me one morning recently.
My youngest daughter is 9 not yet used to the new reality of @ 8:10 at school. Sleepy and not exactly happy, she gets out of bed a little too late. We’ve run out of breakfast cereal, so I offer to cook her porrige – My Special One, with chia, linseeds and fresh pears. She does not seem too enthusiastic, so I ask her at least twice – are you sure you want porriage? She does. Yet, when the porrige is ready – no, she does not want it…she’s decided she’s not hungry…
Auch…! for my internal Child, this is painful. She – my internal Child – has been there, in a place where Important People do not appreciate her. For my internal Child, my 9 year-old daughter has suddenly become one of such persons. Anger, helplessness, pride and the need to self-protect mix into a very emotional : “it’s going to be very unfair from your side if you now do not eat the porrige! I asked you thousands of times”. To myself, I add: “I’m never going to cook you porriage again! In fact, I’m not going to cook you anything again”. I’m left feeling let down, sad and angry.
It took me a good 15 mins to become fully aware what had just happened. That I had let my Child, not Adult, speak, feel and think for me. And for obvious reasons – adult life would be complicated for any child! – she did not manage very welll. Instead of an external focus – what is the problem and who else is involved – she took it very personally. This is what children do. Instead of being open and looking for cooperation, she self-protected – again, very normal for a child but not the best strategy to deal with a bit of a porrige and one sleepy child.
Wouldn’t something like “what do you think we should do with the porrige, now when you do not want to eat it?” be a much more open and educational way to interact with a 9 year old who suddenly does not feel hungry?
This is but one simple situation where an oat porrige becomes personal, people involved – unsupportive and unfriendly and a sunny September morning, a sad place. Should I carefully examine my day, I bet I’d find more.
If you found this topic interesting and would like assistance with getting to know your internal Child, do write me zane.sauka@gmail.com