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This morning, I was fortunate to listen to a ZOOM session with Māori elders. The Māori are the Indigenous people of Aotearoa New Zealand, whose wisdom traditions honour relationship — between humans, ancestors, spirit, and the natural world. As they shared their understanding of wellbeing, three words staed with me: Connection Is Healing.

In their view, if you’re connected, you’re well — even if you live with illness, physical pain, or other challenges. When we are connected — to ourselves, to others, to the land, to the flow of life — we are well. Pain or illness, they said, is meant to be there, because that’s how we grow. It’s disconnection that is unnatural and drains us of energy and hope.

Unfortunately, in many Western individualist cultures, connection does not come easily. Speaking from my own experience, we grow up believing we must be good enough to deserve closeness. We learn to present a polished version of ourselves, hoping that if we please others, they will stay with us. Sadly, this often comes from real experiences — when, as children, love seemed to withdraw the moment we were not perfect or useful. So instead of connecting, we perform. Instead of belonging, we negotiate. Our relationships become conditional, based on exchange rather than shared being. And every such move that takes us away from connection, brings so much suffering.

So, one may ask: if connection is healing, but also risky — what’s the answer?

The magic is that we can learn to connect differently — to reconnect with ourselves. As we reconnect with our feelings, our needs, and our inner voice, we also begin to connect differently with the world around us. This is something each of us can do! Therapy can be a powerful vehicle for this change — a kind of laboratory for trust, where we can explore what it feels like to be seen without having to perform; to be accepted without having to please; to be honest without losing contact. 

As we progress in this work, life becomes a little more breathable; relationships a little more real; and solitude less lonely. We are all enough – we are all radiant and whole beings. As we start to see that light in ourselves, we begin to see it in each other, too. We start to feel safe — with ourselves and with others. And — oh là là! — we start to connect, in a most natural and enjoyable way! As the Māori elders suggested, we are — simply and profoundly — well. Because Connection Is Healing.